Now I Know

When I was younger, I felt differently about things now. I’ve seen things I used to do, that I didn’t understand at the time. Which grows with maturity. I see it as light as day now: working, staying busy and not being lazy. We can try, but will spin our wheels eventually. Just saying.

Having Kids

Now, before having kids, I was careless. I had a good heart, I was just blinded you could say. I had depression, frustrations, and several head injuries already.

Having kids made me have more understanding. Not all the way. Their was still more to learn. Still is more to learn.

Not Everything Is Black And White

This is the grey. Grateful Dead saw it. Many others have wrote songs or books, to prove their point. My sexuality, career, are examples.

Not everyone or anything is perfect. It’s the struggle. It’s work. It’s a timeless thing that every single human has to endure on this planet.

Now I Know

This is one thing I will agree on. That I’ve been forced to learn. My mistakes haven’t been as bad as others (I watch the news and if I need to make a list of way worst mistakes others have made, I will).

Now I see it through other people. I look at the younger generation and know what it’s like to think how they think (they are lazy). I definitely don’t want to be mean to get them off their ass, I would rather lead by example.

I’m not perfect. One song I’ve listened to is Run by The Foo Fighters. It’s very comical video is awesome. Before I was very depressed at my mistakes. I’m still having to deal with them. I’m really trying this time. I want what others want: a peaceful life.

I know that I’m growing older and still learning. That what my mom was telling me when I was younger, was true. It saddens me but my brother has received a a 25 year sentence (as much as a murderer mind you). He will do 12 years, for drugs and evading arrest, the rest on parole. I tried to warn him. Maybe now we know. Knowing is half the war in seeing through a tiny hole of someone else’s war. Or knowing is half the battle. A shit hole. A sorry ass shit hole.

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Me Third

What I have learned throughout my 34 years of living, I began taking notes long ago. Here recently, it’s been sexual harassment in the news. You notice it in waves through media, painting it red in articles, magazines, tv and across the board entirely.

I too, have had my share of it, both from women and men. More of men in the workplace. Throughout school, it was girls being racy. They were fun with it, as it could’ve been border line sexual harassment, even from a female. School was really one big sex fest and popularity contest.

I began to get numb throughout the years. Growing older, it developed into the norm, expecting a fun situation. I almost think flirting now a days is sexual harassment. I can never tell sometimes. All the fun gets taken out of it.

POINT

I see it as an ultimate power trip in the workplace. I have been caught in an entertainment atmosphere, seeing first hand a “popularity contest” just like when I was in school. At some point you have to grow up. It’s been difficult for me to mature. Afraid of growing old and boring. It has to be done.

Having been put in the situation I have experienced it at home and in the workplace. This does create a poverty cycle. Only providing an act of “what you can do for them” to get the job. To that I say fuck that. It’s despicable.

The Ghosts of the Towns

I’ve been walking the street through the town, everyone knows my name. I have no name. 

They want me dead. Their sercret shows on their face. I’ve been on “the list” for a while now. The “outcast” or “the outsider”. 

You have become a survivor, or in their eyes “a savage”. Their is never a time I have been uncomfortable or felt more alone. 

The money just keeps you busy. The money, they think keeps you alive. The game is what they play. The oblivion is what you are. If you don’t pay attention they feel they aren’t needed. You are both unwanted. 

Yet you are. 

It’s Always Something (Song) ~ Oct. 22, 2017

Lyrics coming soon-(writing process)

I have time to write now. Boom here it goes partially.

Does society, really even care?

We gotta breathe right, through the open air

When it’s always something

Can never be who we wanna be

That’s the only thing you take from me

‘Cause it’s always something

(Got melody)

(Get real baby!)

Having, nothing to learn

Expecting evil in return

Made gods, who are just like, you&me

Don’t you see?

It’s always something

Watching sex and drugs on the tv

Rock and roll ain’t for free

But it gives me something

All it takes from you, is nothing

Sometimes living right’s, not easy to do

(I have to write in melody)

Peace isn’t just for you

When we have to deal with the struggles down here.

And you make up something

Impossible Dying Light

Their was a darkness in you. 
It’s the light that it is seen through. 

In the trying hours, do you still sit with ill-content? 

This is what holds you back. 

Peace is in your heart. 

This is the only thing that will set you apart. 

Others can not, they just thought it, you aren’t.  

They only want peace for themselves. 

A possible living light. 

You’re Wrong

I want to be there with you

I want to know what it is like

To have a higher thinking

Not having a care 

To be happy, to be fair

I chose Love, I chose fear

I live in reality, in the now

Not by choice

Using my voice

I used it as a hoist 

Clinging on, imitating 
Learning, improvising

Creating my own 

Putting out years I was unknown 

Not for fame, not for show

It’s now time for my life

My integrity, my sign 

By showing I’m not lying

I live to die 

For only one, mine

Like a revolution 

I came up with a solution

That my art has been disapproved of

That is all I’ve been doing

This whole time is proving….

             

                  You           Wrong

Late Night Inspiration: Stuck in Between 

I feel like I am stuck in between a dream and the real world. When I wake up I know that I am in the real world. On the way to work, I know I need to drive right in which becomes too real because I know I need to drive safe upon this journey, as to not harm anyone. 

I then go to deep thought. Thinking of all the things not to do. Being aware of other presences= too real. I watch the news= too real. Follow me? 

Ok. Now that I have your attention. This is important, as this awoke me from my much needed slumber for work: too real. 

Stuck In Between 

Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck in between an ordinary life and a life that’s not. I really don’t know if that’s what it is. Is it, “It is what it is”? Or can I control my destiny?  

I have limited life to three things. Too real, real, and not real enough. Too keep it “real” with myself, and maybe others. 

When I write certain things, I can stay on the line, in which I can be “too real”.  Or sometimes maybe all three. But I don’t wanna be all three at the same time, because then I will be considered all three. Then that goes into being crazy.  If I publish this right now, I will be considered just that. That would be be a great joke. 

Which goes into not “real enough”. And if I wanted to be real, I would/could make what I’m writing right now poetic. 

Then here I go being “too real” in saying that this website is free, I’m putting out work that I am writing, that’s not, all to prove a point that I have to work today, that I should probably be asleep, and when I go into deep thought, I emerge myself into “not real enough” focus on my job “real” therefore I make money “too real”. 

But is money real? That is what drives me to the conclusion of this story. Because what I have been watching on the news recently (I’m going backwards now cause I’m stressed) to make money today “real” , so I will go back to sleep “not real enough”. Or is it the other way? Now I am driving myself crazy. Trust me, I can be a bit too real. 

To Be Continued… 


The Living Story

These last couple of years have finally been been paying off. I’ve put out a positive vibe, even though I’ve endured some hardships, battling a bout with depression. 

My son has come back from Virginia. I’ve had to fall in with a career as an electrician. Which I’ve thought about pursuing a dream of learning the trade, and then using my knowledge to “electrify Africa”. 

I’ve gained a lot of happiness these last two months. I’m a little concerned with a mishap that occurred in June last year of which I don’t recall ever having. 

I’ve learned the real truth and not sure how to explain the truth. Being caught up seems to be the story of my life. I’ve done nothing but try to follow the rules. I’ve always kept myself from drinking and driving, which is amazing because I love to drink. I’ve toned that down a lot. 

This is a memoir. This is a Living Story. This is the truth. This story gets real sometimes. 

Many Times Later

I have been away from my writing for too long. Almost to the point I didn’t feel the need of writing anymore. Most of the time it was monetary. I stayed consistent and found a job I worked at with the story I wrote below. Many odd jobs in between.

I went through three cars (all of which broke down i.e The White Stallion) a camera, many liquor bottles, people literally shoving drugs in my face (To some, they say, “I don’t have a no in my body” To them I say… yes I do) and other various things that were stolen by people I was trying to help to turn their lives around.

All that didn’t matter to me, on which a particular night, after driving back home from getting thrown in jail by my ex once again. I looked back at a small car seat without a small boy not in it… On that night I didn’t want to live anymore.

A small part of me died on the inside…. Once again.

Many liquor bottles later, he came to see me. He did not want to leave me. I told him, “It will be good for you. Your mom promises that we will still see each other.”

Many Promises And Many Liquor Bottles Later….

Two years have passed and I have carried the burdens of others. Two years have passed without seeing him. I have put down the drink, and I have learned for myself that it doesn’t help, making myself a cliché. The one thing I thought I learned from the Winter Of 2008.

Many Blackouts Later….

I have finally seen some happiness. I have finally seen that, that thinking was wrong. I have finally envisioned the things I created (most on purpose) that I am still a part of his life.

Don’t tell me I am not trying. Still some try in me.

(By the way, I’m on my third year sober from any hard drugs having only  slipped up twice. April of 2014, and January of this year)

Day In The Life: Construction Worker

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The days I spent at the new UT Southwestern hospital, was of no coinsidence, a location to a story I wrote a while back. The route from the trucking and distrubution industry of Dallas on Mockingbird Rd. through the medical district, to the infamous gun range. Of course I was soaking in all I could in the nine short months I was there.

Origanally, the “Day In The Life” is a program that was directed to the nurses, to train them into action, by a staged real life scenerio. Taking adantage of the time I could while real patients were not there. I wanted to film this and take pictures. I could only remain mysterious, for the jobs they were paying me for, still needed to get taken care of.

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The Building

The architecual design is laid out in modern use for the doctors and nurses. From the computer equipment, to the advanced air conditioning system, and to the very building itself.

One of the medical monitoring computers is roughly about $15,000 or more. They can allow the patient to move freely in and out of the room if desired, while being monitored wirelessly. They have a pluther of up to date machines for convenience of the patient.

The sohphisticated air system relies on basic airflow in which is filtered by numerous machines to put fourth clean air throughout the building. A very expensive process only with the equipment. The process is also designed to save energy.

The building is self sufficient. With it’s own power plant. Designed to supply its own water, and withstand a tornado. The structures purpose is to help the medical staff move more efficiently for it’s patients.

Construction Worker

Usually I’m multitasking in everything I do. This particular project had my dopamine running. Taking the job I knew I had some hard work ahead. The structure, some of the eletrical lines and windows were already established before I came. I have already done this for another building on Pearl Street in Dallas. I have worked with/on heavy equipment, leveling, concrete, heavy tools, blueprints, general labor, on commercial and residential projects. I like projects of any kind within my knowledge and more challenging. I’ll be very honest with you… I don’t like to sit around not getting paid. I work hard and that’s it.

When I first got to the building I felt like a rock star. A lot of  “daps” and high fives were giving. You know what? Pretty much the whole time was like that, but I still did the work and I took it seriously. Most guys there did.

Note to all lazy people: If you keep busy, time goes by faster.

The building is a beautiful work of art. I’m very proud and appreciate the oppurtunity to be a part of it. I would add much more to the story, for I don’t want to take away from what I was there to do. I wanted to shed light on the hard work construction workers do. Not only that, but I met some good guys I respected. The work speaks for itself.

Pictures tell a lot of the story. Here are a few.

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Each line to one room. Cut with concrete chipper. Without drywall.

 

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