Don’t Want To Be Ugly

Allow me to be honest with you. Upon my opening of a ticket I received in the mail, I felt the urge to vent. I was writing a draft of ” Reviewing Old Movies”, and I’m trying to remain positive. I don’t want to be burdened with these everyday things that keep me broke. Plain and simple

The ticket is a “Failure to pay tolls”. Please feel free to leave a comment and enlighten me on how is it, that I was working for a company that builds schools and hospitals, charges me to drive on the highways.

My argument is this. Charging me to drive on a road to make the little money that I make, for a job I have to do. Realistically, I have to take that highway. Could I have Gonna around? Yes. But realistically, everyday, (and be on time) no. I was already cutting every corner I could legally.

It doesn’t make any sense, that I would be stealing, or creating any crime. To be honest, I want to write about something cool or a fantastic story to share with you. Instead I have to write this (key words of the day: Have to). My second question is: Where is the money to pay for this? I don’t want to be ugly. I really don’t. I want to be joyful and positive but it’s been so hard lately. Another sucky year. Their is somebody out there to get me and I really don’t know why. That’s called harassment, and it exists. Makes me want to do drugs (but I can’t. kEy words: I can’t). Makes me not want to even leave the house.


Day In The Life: Electrician


For the past two and a half years, I had the privilege of working as an electrician for Cummings Electrical. Most of that time was donated to the company. I worked at 5 different job sites. Pre-Fab, Chef BOBO, Cooks Children’s in Ft. Worth, Dallas remodel (Westend Market Place) and UTD.

The reason I was laid off was for a “reduction in workforce”. In the time I was employed, I took a blue print reading class, and two auto cad classes; to which I took a summer course to reduce the time down to a year and 1/2 of school. With that, I received a pluther of on the job training.


I learned and performed pre-fabrication, distribution, wire pull, termination, alternate currents, continuity, conductors, man holes, low/high voltage (electrical systems/voltage drop 80% of power), bus ducts, disconnects, bonding, isolated grounding, pier chart, designing/engineering, maintenance, some trouble shooting, remodeling, fix/repair, painting (primer, sanding, taping, patching mud and paint, joints and drywall, (mostly for not getting back charged) ceiling tile/ceiling grid, safety, excavation, material maintenance (a lot that went waisted) ATS/UPS (Power Plan), lighting control panels, riser install, conduit fill, conductors, megging (15) conductor test, Degrees, XY coordinates, raceways, photo cell, travelers, switch leg, three way switch, dimmers, square measurements, some carpentry/some framing, land surveying (elevation), wall penetrating, plenum ratings, QAQC, flagging (traffic control) lift training, anchoring/drilling (w/hepa filter), using compactor, backfilling, more preventative maintenance (pencil whipping), safety protocol, mop (method of procedure), life safety, fluorescent testing, fall protection/arrest ( i.e ‘d’ ring, lolipop, beam clamp 2000, harness) circuts/panel scheduling, pipe labeling, p-touch, trimout, branch, wall rough/overhead installation (power, lighting & pipe), temporary power, KVA Transformer, generator, pvc/rigid, sealtite, flex, cable tray (including install), disconnects, watt stoppers, vfd, rtu, air handlers, smoke dampers, vav, fire alarm, data, relays, lighting controls, LIM Cable, MI cable, MC cable, flex, foot bender, table bender and triple nichol bender, gutters, boxes, home runs, #10 #8, inbeds/inserts, layout, as builds (blue print reading) lighting/power plan, schematics, interior lighting design and many different methods/tools for doing the job. Did I leave anything out?


Most of the time were dangerous situations, heights, and tight spaces. Cave-ins weren’t too bad, but just a little dirt can produce a lot of pressure. I popped out a vertebrae, twisted my foot pretty bad, but their weren’t too many close calls (thanks safety). Doesnt mean they weren’t around the corner.

It’s a prideful job with a lot of risks. I’m proud to have worked and I will do it again. I would like to move on to other things and learn more, or school. So let’s bring it on. HArd WORK buddy. I’m glad to have met some of the guys that worked there and other trades. Some not so much. Most of the guys were good dudes.

That’s where 2 and 1/2 years without writing goes. And in this time I remained clean and sober.

Now I Know

When I was younger, I felt differently about things now. I’ve seen things I used to do, that I didn’t understand at the time. Which grows with maturity. I see it as light as day now: working, staying busy and not being lazy. We can try, but will spin our wheels eventually. Just saying.

Having Kids

Now, before having kids, I was careless. I had a good heart, I was just blinded you could say. I had depression, frustrations, and several head injuries already.

Having kids made me have more understanding. Not all the way. Their was still more to learn. Still is more to learn.

Not Everything Is Black And White

This is the grey. Grateful Dead saw it. Many others have wrote songs or books, to prove their point. My sexuality, career, are examples.

Not everyone or anything is perfect. It’s the struggle. It’s work. It’s a timeless thing that every single human has to endure on this planet.

Now I Know

This is one thing I will agree on. That I’ve been forced to learn. My mistakes haven’t been as bad as others (I watch the news and if I need to make a list of way worst mistakes others have made, I will).

Now I see it through other people. I look at the younger generation and know what it’s like to think how they think (they are lazy). I definitely don’t want to be mean to get them off their ass, I would rather lead by example.

I’m not perfect. One song I’ve listened to is Run by The Foo Fighters. It’s very comical video is awesome. Before I was very depressed at my mistakes. I’m still having to deal with them. I’m really trying this time. I want what others want: a peaceful life.

I know that I’m growing older and still learning. That what my mom was telling me when I was younger, was true. It saddens me but my brother has received a a 25 year sentence (as much as a murderer mind you). He will do 12 years, for drugs and evading arrest, the rest on parole. I tried to warn him. Maybe now we know. Knowing is half the war in seeing through a tiny hole of someone else’s war. Or knowing is half the battle. A shit hole. A sorry ass shit hole.

Me Third

What I have learned throughout my 34 years of living, I began taking notes long ago. Here recently, it’s been sexual harassment in the news. You notice it in waves through media, painting it red in articles, magazines, tv and across the board entirely.

I too, have had my share of it, both from women and men. More of men in the workplace. Throughout school, it was girls being racy. They were fun with it, as it could’ve been border line sexual harassment, even from a female. School was really one big sex fest and popularity contest.

I began to get numb throughout the years. Growing older, it developed into the norm, expecting a fun situation. I almost think flirting now a days is sexual harassment. I can never tell sometimes. All the fun gets taken out of it.


I see it as an ultimate power trip in the workplace. I have been caught in an entertainment atmosphere, seeing first hand a “popularity contest” just like when I was in school. At some point you have to grow up. It’s been difficult for me to mature. Afraid of growing old and boring. It has to be done.

Having been put in the situation I have experienced it at home and in the workplace. This does create a poverty cycle. Only providing an act of “what you can do for them” to get the job. To that I say fuck that. It’s despicable.

The Ghosts of the Towns

I’ve been walking the street through the town, everyone knows my name. I have no name. 

They want me dead. Their sercret shows on their face. I’ve been on “the list” for a while now. The “outcast” or “the outsider”. 

You have become a survivor, or in their eyes “a savage”. Their is never a time I have been uncomfortable or felt more alone. 

The money just keeps you busy. The money, they think keeps you alive. The game is what they play. The oblivion is what you are. If you don’t pay attention they feel they aren’t needed. You are both unwanted. 

Yet you are. 

It’s Always Something (Song) ~ Oct. 22, 2017

Lyrics coming soon-(writing process)

I have time to write now. Boom here it goes partially.

Does society, really even care?

We gotta breathe right, through the open air

When it’s always something

Can never be who we wanna be

That’s the only thing you take from me

‘Cause it’s always something

(Got melody)

(Get real baby!)

Having, nothing to learn

Expecting evil in return

Made gods, who are just like, you&me

Don’t you see?

It’s always something

Watching sex and drugs on the tv

Rock and roll ain’t for free

But it gives me something

All it takes from you, is nothing

Sometimes living right’s, not easy to do

(I have to write in melody)

Peace isn’t just for you

When we have to deal with the struggles down here.

And you make up something

Impossible Dying Light

Their was a darkness in you. 
It’s the light that it is seen through. 

In the trying hours, do you still sit with ill-content? 

This is what holds you back. 

Peace is in your heart. 

This is the only thing that will set you apart. 

Others can not, they just thought it, you aren’t.  

They only want peace for themselves. 

A possible living light. 

You’re Wrong

I want to be there with you

I want to know what it is like

To have a higher thinking

Not having a care 

To be happy, to be fair

I chose Love, I chose fear

I live in reality, in the now

Not by choice

Using my voice

I used it as a hoist 

Clinging on, imitating 
Learning, improvising

Creating my own 

Putting out years I was unknown 

Not for fame, not for show

It’s now time for my life

My integrity, my sign 

By showing I’m not lying

I live to die 

For only one, mine

Like a revolution 

I came up with a solution

That my art has been disapproved of

That is all I’ve been doing

This whole time is proving….


                  You           Wrong

Late Night Inspiration: Stuck in Between 

I feel like I am stuck in between a dream and the real world. When I wake up I know that I am in the real world. On the way to work, I know I need to drive right in which becomes too real because I know I need to drive safe upon this journey, as to not harm anyone. 

I then go to deep thought. Thinking of all the things not to do. Being aware of other presences= too real. I watch the news= too real. Follow me? 

Ok. Now that I have your attention. This is important, as this awoke me from my much needed slumber for work: too real. 

Stuck In Between 

Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck in between an ordinary life and a life that’s not. I really don’t know if that’s what it is. Is it, “It is what it is”? Or can I control my destiny?  

I have limited life to three things. Too real, real, and not real enough. Too keep it “real” with myself, and maybe others. 

When I write certain things, I can stay on the line, in which I can be “too real”.  Or sometimes maybe all three. But I don’t wanna be all three at the same time, because then I will be considered all three. Then that goes into being crazy.  If I publish this right now, I will be considered just that. That would be be a great joke. 

Which goes into not “real enough”. And if I wanted to be real, I would/could make what I’m writing right now poetic. 

Then here I go being “too real” in saying that this website is free, I’m putting out work that I am writing, that’s not, all to prove a point that I have to work today, that I should probably be asleep, and when I go into deep thought, I emerge myself into “not real enough” focus on my job “real” therefore I make money “too real”. 

But is money real? That is what drives me to the conclusion of this story. Because what I have been watching on the news recently (I’m going backwards now cause I’m stressed) to make money today “real” , so I will go back to sleep “not real enough”. Or is it the other way? Now I am driving myself crazy. Trust me, I can be a bit too real. 

To Be Continued… 

The Living Story

These last couple of years have finally been been paying off. I’ve put out a positive vibe, even though I’ve endured some hardships, battling a bout with depression. 

My son has come back from Virginia. I’ve had to fall in with a career as an electrician. Which I’ve thought about pursuing a dream of learning the trade, and then using my knowledge to “electrify Africa”. 

I’ve gained a lot of happiness these last two months. I’m a little concerned with a mishap that occurred in June last year of which I don’t recall ever having. 

I’ve learned the real truth and not sure how to explain the truth. Being caught up seems to be the story of my life. I’ve done nothing but try to follow the rules. I’ve always kept myself from drinking and driving, which is amazing because I love to drink. I’ve toned that down a lot. 

This is a memoir. This is a Living Story. This is the truth. This story gets real sometimes.